A Project of The Internet TESL Journal Teachers often use jokes in the ESL/EFL classroom to teach culture, grammar and vocabulary. The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the World." On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which said "The Best Restaurant on this Block." The student asked, "Do you know who I am?" The prof said, "No and I don't care." The student asked again, "Are you sure you don't know who I am?" "Good" the student said, and walked out. He passed. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey." "Morning, Danny. Er ... Danny, you're wearing a glove on one hand and none on the other. Did you know?" "Yes, well I heard the weather forecast this morning, you see." "The Weather forecast?" "Yes, the weather forecast. the forecaster said on the one hand it might be fine but on the other hand there might be some rain." As soon as the guests left, the man angrily shouted at the parrot, "That language must stop!". But the bird answered him with curses. He shook the bird and shouted again, "Don't use those ugly words!" Again the bird cursed him. Now the man was really angry. He grabbed the parrot and threw him into the refrigerator. But it had no effect. From inside the refrigerator, the parrot was still swearing. He opened the door and took him out, and again the bird spoke in dirty words and curses. This time, the man opened the door of the freezer, threw the bird into it, and closed the door. This time there was silence. After two minutes, the man opened the door and removed the very cold parrot. Slowly the shivering parrot walked up the man's arm, sat on his shoulder and spoke into his ear, sounding very frightened: "I'll be good, I promise... Those chickens in there... what did they say?" The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, hops up on a bar stool. The duck hops off the stool and waddles out the door. The next day, at the same time, the bartender is cleaning some glasses when he hears a familiar voice And the duck hops off the bar stool and waddles out. The NEXT day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, walks up to the bartender and the bartender says, The doctor says "Your dog is dead." The man goes out to the receptionist and asks for his bill. "That'll be $325" says the receptionist. "What! $325? How's that possible?" "It's $25 for the consultation, and $300 for the Cat scan." Finally, they saw an old native on the beach, and asked him which was correct. The old man said it's "Havaii." The student who was right was very happy, and thanked the old man. The old man said "you're velcome." "Why not, son?" "Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day." "But why don't you want to go today?"

"Because our English teacher died yesterday!" "What do they taste like?" asked the man. "I don't know", replied the farmer, "we haven't caught one yet." The piece of string leaves the bar feeling glum, he walks down the road and then he sees two girls who he asks for help. "Please," he says to one of the girls, "would you tie a knot in me?" This she does. "Please," the piece of string says to the other girl, "would you mind taking your comb and fluffing out the ends of my string?" So the girl obliges. "Thank you" says the string and he turns around, goes back into the bar and immediately orders a drink again. The barman looks at him quizzically and says, "aren't you the piece of string that was in here a moment ago?" "No" came the answer, "I'm a frayed knot." Soon, the brothers received thank-you notes from their mother. The first son's note said, "The house you bought me is much too big! I only live in a small part of it, but I have to clean the whole thing!" The second son got a note that said, "I rarely leave the house anymore, so I hardly use the limo you gave me. And when I do use it, the driver is so rude!" The third son's note said, "My darling baby boy, you know just what your mother loves! The chicken was delicious!" The parrot kept screaming and insulting George until finally it stopped. George thought to himself, "Oh no! I froze my aunt's bird to death." He opened the door and saw the bird alive! The bird said, "I'm sorry for my behaviour and will never act up again." George said, "Why the change?" The bird answered, "Because I saw what you did to the other bird." The preacher answered, "You know, dear, there's that box in the kitchen cabinet with what you always called 'your little secret' in it and you said you never would want me to open it as long as you lived. Now that I'm about to go home to be with the Lord, why don't you show me what's in that secret box of yours?" The preacher's wife got out the box and opened the lid. It contained $100,000 and three eggs. "What are those eggs doing in the box?" the preacher asked. "Well, Honey," she replied, "every time your sermon was really bad I put an egg in the box." Now the preacher had been preaching for over forty years, and seeing only three eggs in that old shoe box, he started to feel very proud about himself and it warmed his soul. "And what about that $100,000?" he asked. "Oh, you see," she whispered softly, "every time there were a dozen eggs in the box, I... sold them." The snail said, "I'd go, but I'm kind of slow. Besides, Grasshopper, this is your neighborhood so you know where to go." The grasshopper said, "I don't mind going, but my hopping will shake up the beer and we'll get sprayed every time we open one." So they decided to send the centipede; and the grasshopper explained how to get to the nearest liquor store. An hour or so passed and still the centipede hadn't returned, so the snail and the grasshopper decided to go look for him. The patent officer looks at the diagram. He understands that the man is a little slow so he wants to be kind. He explains to the man that he does not think the design is ready to be patented yet. He tells the man, "Please, work on it some more. Perhaps I will be able to patent it another time." The man leaves. One week later the man shows up again with a modification: "This is the box, this is the hole, this is the cheese and this is the wire. The mouse sticks his head in the hole to get the cheese, the wire wraps around his neck and kills him." The officer makes the same kind excuse, and the man leaves. One week later the man returns. He approaches the same patent officer and sets down the new diagram layout, drawing a zig-zag line across the hole instead of the circle for the cheese: "And here's the saw blade." The patent officer notices the design variation and asks, "Where's the cheese?" The lawyer, seeing the two bears, climbed a tree. His friend wasn't so lucky and the male bear caught him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer drove his car to town as fast as he could to get a policeman. The policeman took his gun and ran to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" said the lawyer, pointing to the male bear. The policeman looked at the bears, took careful aim with his gun, and SHOT THE FEMALE. "What did you do that for!" shouted the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!" The owner of the restaurant says, "Hey, what are you doing? You come in here, you kill my waiter and walk away without saying a word. I don't understand." So the owner gets out a dictionary and looks under the heading "Panda". It reads: Copyright © 1998-2011 by The Internet TESL Journal